Welcome to my blog.
This won’t be a formal introduction post. I’m just going to talk for a while.
I’ve been paying for this website for over a year, yet here I am just making my first blog post. This past year has been hard. I tend to live in an almost constant state of worry and the amount of weight on my shoulders over the past year didn’t help that. Anxiety is real. Panic is real. OCD is real. Most people I know don’t really talk about it. I want to work on being more vocal and transparent about these things. Maybe it’ll help someone. Those things can take everything away from the most gifted of people. I wasted a lot of time worrying about not making enough art. I wasted a lot of time worrying about not maintaining my website. I just wasted a lot of time. I’m trying to use this as a stepping stone to cope with losing my father.
Maybe if I can throw myself into work that I care about, I can worry about getting on with my life less. I’m very strong, don’t get me wrong, but losing my dad has been the worst part of my young life. It’s still fresh and it’ll take a lot of time to get use to. I’m more apt to address feelings in word form than speaking them. I don’t talk about a lot of things, but I need to. I don’t want to drown in sorrow. I won’t. I have so much going for myself and I deserve to prosper. I deserve to live a good life and live up to my potential. I have a hell of a lot of untapped potential and I don’t want to keep wasting it.
My Daddy would want me to grow and be the person he spent 25 years grooming me to be.
I think about my dad every day. Probably every hour. Not every minute, but most of them. He was the best friend I’ve ever had. My guy. My person. I still don’t know how I’m supposed to navigate without him, but I know I’ll figure it out. He knew I would be okay and I believe that. He shared all of my milestones, even the most recent ones like getting engaged and one that’ll be address in a later post. Everybody loves surprises, right? Heads up, it’s not a baby. It’s a cool, non-kid related thing.
I believe he will share all the others, but in a different way. He will have to share those in my heart instead of by my side. That’s not ideal, but it’s okay. I have a lot to offer, but I have to stop getting in my own way. My dad believed in me more than anyone in the world. I need to channel that more often.
I don’t like vulnerability. Not for myself. The thing is, though, that’s a part of the human condition. We are vulnerable as people and we have to tap into that and use it to better ourselves instead of holding us back.
Stop holding back.
Stop doubting yourself.
Don’t be fueled by fear.
Be fueled by hope. Hope is a lot more productive than fear. I’m trying to be more hopeful. I’m trying to keep looking forward to things. I tend to shut down and that’s not conducive to living a fulfilling life.
It’s easier to say that I’ll be more hopeful than it is to actually do it. I’m going to start making a more conscious effort to be, rather than just saying. I guess this is supposed to help hold me accountable.
I think I’m going to publish this before my website is finished. I’m going to keep blogging and working on my website. I’m documenting it here, so I have to do it, right? Sure.
I’m working on getting out of this rut. It may take me a while, but all progress is good. I have a lot to say, so if you like reading, subscribe to my mailing list and stick around. I’ll be updating my portfolio, taking commissions, and selling prints on this website.
Leave a comment if something I said stuck with you.
Sometimes we have to struggle to get to the good stuff. I’m working on the good stuff, but it’s coming.
It’s really easy to let the bad things drown out the good things. I am going to actively work on not letting that happen. You should, too. We can hold each other accountable for that. Sorrow and self-doubt can be crushing. It can weigh you down and it can feel like there is no way out, but there is. This weird dark part of life isn’t the end. Think of it as a tunnel. Staying conscious and working on yourself is the key to getting out of the tunnel. All tunnels end and daylight is on the other side(let’s say it’s perpetually day time in this little metaphor). Here’s to committing to finding my daylight again. I hope you work on finding yours, too.
This first post is dedicated to my dad and my continued growth.
Infinity x infinity
P.S.: If that wasn’t a metaphor, don’t come for me! Take the inspiration and let me live.